There is a reasoning behind the choice of a 108-day cycle.
Since time immemorial 9 x 12 or 108 has been studied, analyzed, interpreted, applied. Think about these facts from the Surya Siddhanta (4-5th c b.c.e.), an ancient Indian astronomical work: The distances between the Sun and the Earth, the distances between the Moon and the Earth, the way the planet rotates and its effect on us all – all these things have been studied carefully. The ancient astronomers found that diameter of the Sun multiplied by 108 equals the distance between Sun and Earth, and the diameter of the Moon multiplied by 108 equals the distance between Earth and Moon. The diameter of the Sun is 108 times the diameter of the Earth. This is one of the reasons we have 108 beads in a mālā (माला). The brilliant mathematicians of the Vedic age considered the number 108 to represent the oneness and wholeness of existence, and as noted above, provides an extraordinary connection among the sun, the moon, and the earth (cf. masculine principle, feminine principle, and material principle). Those figures are remarkably accurate and coïncide with modern instrumental measurements and scientific calculations. The number 108 also has significant ritual meaning. There are said to be 108 sacred sites in India. There are 108 Upanisads. Hindu deities have 108 names. There are 108 marma (मर्म) points or sacred ‘vital points’ on the human body. In homoerotic yogic tantra, the number 108 represents spiritual completion. The japamālā (जपमाला) used to count māntra (मन्त्र) repetitions has 108 beads (plus one “guru bead”); prāṇāyāma (प्राणायाम) is frequently completed in 108 cycles; the Surya Namaskar (सूर्यनमस्कार) (“sun salutations”) is frequently done in 9 sequences of 12 āsanas, totalling 108. The ancient yogis, based on the observations of the cosmic movements and astronomical calculations, believed that performing our exercises and practices in abhyāśa (अभ्याश) in sets of 108, we would be able to align the microcosm (ourselves) with the macrocosm (the cosmos), in the rhythm of creation, and thus vanquish saṃsāra (संसार) or wandering from birth to birth. The Vedic scholars were not alone in their fascination with the number 108. The Sarsen Circle at Stonehenge is 108 feet in diameter; the temple at Lamanai, an ancient Mayan temple in Belize, is 108 feet tall; the mortuary temple at Tikal, Guatemala, and in the temple of Kukulkan at Chitzen Itza, the dimension of 108 figures significantly in the architecture. Particularly in Mesoamerica, these temples and ritual structures were designed and constructed to house the souls of great men but were also ritually designed to connect human beings not only with the sun and celestial bodies, but also to the Divine Creator. Do you note the connections? In yogic disciplines we often toss the saying “As above, so below” around. The saying comes from alchemy. But that’s not the only connection between the celestial 108 and our bodies: there are 108 nadis converging to form anāhata(अनाहत), 108 marma-s (मर्म), pressure or vital points, sacred foci on the human body. In Jainism, a child of Sanatanadharma, there are 108 virtues. Some forms of Tai Chi have 108 movements. In Buddhism temples there are 108 steps representing the 108 steps to enlightenment. In Tibetan Buddhism there are 108 delusions. In Japanese Zen Buddhism, a temple bell is intoned 108 times at the end of the year, ritually closing a cycle reminding the believer of the 108 temptations that must be overcome to achieve nirvana. Need I go on? Reflecting on these facts, we have to wonder whether we will ever be able to fully fathom the mystical meaning of 108. Perhaps, but like all else and, as the Greek mathematician Archimedes taught: “Mathematics [understood to be the hidden order of the cosmos] will reveal its secrets…only to those who approach it with love.” It seems only reasonable that I chose 108 days as the meditation/reflection cycle for these Homoerotic Tantra℠:Mascul-IN-Touch℠ daily spiritual practices. Thank you for joining me!
The unevolved man will see no difference between f***ing and having sex and making love; for him they’re all the same, and the goal is simply to make his partner cum and to cum himself. The process gives way to the outcome: cumming.[1]It’s a performance activity, what we would call a performative; the individuals are defined by their roles: top, bottom; active, passive, male, female, etc. In the performative role, there is no conversation, roles are static, there is no evidence of conversation. Think: porn.
Homoerotic Tantra is an erotospiritual practice and involves the triad of mind, body, and spirit. In order to derive the whole range of benefits from the practices and rituals, you must suspend any form of judgement, you must trust your partner completely, you must be willing to be authentic (genuine and truthful), self-forgetful (leave the ego at the door). You must be willing to surrender to your partner, and accept your responses and reactions with abandonment and freedom. In our homoerotic Tantra session we will join other esoteric traditions of erotospiritualpractices that are conceived to overcome the separation of sacred (spiritual) and profane (physical sexual) love.
As Tantrika (तान्त्रिक), as sādhaka-s (साधक) sex and fucking, and making love are poles apart; western cultural conditioning and masculine freedom are also poles apart. Real men fuck. Real men are tops. Real men are fake imitations of truly masculine men. Real truly masculine men are Tantric Lovers and follow the yogic tantric kṣatriyadharma (क्षत्रियधर्म) and vīramārga (वीरमार्ग), the paths of the warrior and the hero, respectively. The tantric Warrior and the tantric Hero are in a state of balanced and harmonious ŚivaŚakti , the masculine and feminine principles are expressed and complementary.
We can say that in Tantra (तन्त्र) the celebration of love is the process, the ritual becomes the celebration of love, the joining is the divine union, the maithuna (मैथुन). The mathematics is esoteric: 1 + 1 = 1. The Śiva/Giver becomes the Śakti/Receiver: Śiva + Śakti = ŚivaŚakti.
In other words, sex is a biological, an instinctual behavior whose sole purpose is to take 1 + 1 = 3 or 1 + 1 = n; the tantric celebration of homoerotic love give the formula 1 + 1 = 1.
Fucking and sex may be the same thing or they may be different: Fucking, if we take a moment to visualize what happens during fucking, is a power and control relationship: the giver is in power and controls the receiver, who is passive in the relationship. Having human-to-human sex is, in essence, fucking.
When the Tantric Lovers come together, however, the entire interaction starts with the namaskara (नमस्कार), the veneration of the divine within the Tantric Lover; the very first action of the homoerotic tantric celebration of love between the Tantric Lovers is veneration, a dedication of adoration, and the ritual proceeds from that intention, the intention of worship and adoration of the Tantric Lover, to its culmination in the maithuna (मैथुन). The entire tantric ritual is an awakening of the divine masculine spirit, the erotic subtle energies, the channeling of the awakened energies through sensory and emotional sharing, leading to the ultimate union of the Tantric Lovers and the sharing of the erotic subtle energies and the elixir of life, the śukra (शुक्र).
Tantric love ritual is a saṃgīti (संगीति), a concert, symphony, harmony; conversation, performed by the Tantric Lovers in their physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual aspects.
Even individually, the symphony and communication supports the fact that since I don’t know your instrument as well as I know my own — an obvious, but much overlooked fact — so I have to hear from you about how something feels or what you are feeling: the conversation begins, verbally and nonverbally.
Think of conversation as sharing, communication, feedback, responsiveness, as soon as you say conversation — sharing, communication, feedback, response — you are saying “partners.” As soon as you say partners, you’re saying it’s not a one-off event. Partners want to please, complement, and compliment one another. If they don’t, then it’s not a partnership; it’s just two individuals occupying the same space each interested in his own needs; it then becomes fucking.
Fucking and making love are poles apart; western cultural conditioning and masculine freedom are also poles apart. Real men fuck. Real men are tops. Real men are fake imitations of truly masculine men. Real truly masculine men are Tantric Lovers and follow the yogic tantric kṣatriyadharma (क्षत्रियधर्म) and vīramārga (वीरमार्ग), the paths of the warrior and the hero, respectively. The tantric Warrior and the tantric Hero are in a state of balanced and harmonious ŚivaŚakti , the masculine and feminine principles are freely and openly expressed, and complementary. The men portrayed in the Genêt film are captive Warriors.
I find that the toxic cultural conditioning and the oppression of the masculine spirit are at the basis of the male’s false expectations and altered self-awareness (and his resort to the psychological defenses of denial and avoidance; drugs, alcohol, and, of course, outward homophobia). I think it also has a lot to do with concepts of age and maturity as dictated by that same toxic cultural conditioning in the sense of agism, the idolatry of youth. But as a man ages he accrues the distinctions of age, just as a wine mellowed by aging comes to full expression of its best qualities. Those same distinctions are also the distinctions of social and erotic sanity and wisdom. When I was a 20-something I certainly had my share of insane moments, and slept with plenty of similar crazies in the drunkenness of debauchery and lack of restraint. But the undisputable fact is that you’ve got to be sober to enjoy the most expensive and rarest wines. If you are crazy drunk, even plunk will appeal to you. If all you know is plunk, that’s all you’ll seek and all you’ll expect.[2] As a man ages, he awakens out of the drunken stupor of ignorance, he sobers up to awakened, sharpened senses, sanity, and wisdom.
The West has not yet awakened; there was something very deep and esoteric about the Greeks and man-boy love, the relationship of the erastes with his erômenos; the master and the disciple.
Do you know the difference between fucking and authentic erotic conversation in the physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual planes? Have you ever thought about it? The first time I thought about it was when I saw Eddie Murphy Raw.[3] Murphy gets caught by his girlfriend while he’s in bed with another woman. In the film Murphy’s defense to her: “Yes, I fucked her! I fucked her! But I make love to you.” So I guess there’s a real differentiation there that can even forgive unfaithfulness, at least in the minds of the Eddie Murphy’s of the world. I thought to myself what a bullshitting asshole. He was fucking and that’s all he knew but he tries to pass it off as something more evolved to save his sleazy ass. Common. All too common.
Fucking is the physical unembellished act of sexual intercourse. The men portrayed in the Genêt film, Un Chant d’Amour are not “fucking” they are actually conversing, even with the voyeur guard; the guard even participates in the conversation as is evident in the fantasy scenes. Although the prisoners are solitary and their only outlet is conversation through the wall, fantasy and masturbation. Somehow, the erotic scenes do not portray vulgarity, fucking, but the exchange of homoerotic sensuality, men surrendering to homoeroticism and masculine love; it is a portrayal of mutuality, of bonding, a reinforcement of the masculine spirit and reverence of and surrender to another man. In other scenes involving the prison guard, there is nuanced brutality and control (voyeurism as an invasion; fellating the pistol is violence), society’s response to homoeroticism, but even the guard is a party to homoerotic fantasies.
Most men are voyeurs: they love watching themselves take control, performing, finishing — in their minds. That’s part of what I called performative; they are performing for themselves, titillating themselves in a sort of private pornography, their partner playing the part of little more than a blow-up rubber manikin. It’s a terrible waste; two glorious, beautiful spirits reduced to sweating, grunting lumps of clay. Copulating brainless corpses.
Now, I want to ask you again: Do you know the difference between fucking and making love?
Fucking is not the same as celebrating love; they can and should be considered incompatible opposites. Celebrating love is celebrated passionately with surrender to and total consideration of your partner. I would even go so far to say that if you are totally focused on your Tantric Lover, you can even make love in solo-cultivation, that is, by concentrating your mind on your Tantric Lover, you can masturbate and celebrate love with him. This is part of the fantasizing and masturbation we see in the Genêt film. The prisoners are physically but not emotionally and spiritually separated from their lovers. The imagery in Un Chant d’Amour (“A Love Song”) is compelling and moving. Celebrating love is a process enacted with relaxation, giving more time for sensuality and awareness of your partner’s emotional and physical needs and desires. In the Christian New Testament Pastoral Letter, Corinthians, we read that love is, amongst other things, patient, selfless, honoring, and protecting. Homoerotic love, to me, embodies those features and much more, and it resides in the conversation between the two men, a partnership enhanced with a sense of intimacy. Celebrating homoerotic tantric love is a symphony, finely orchestrated, a richness of melodies and motifs, all notes in sync and harmony. Fucking is sex that is intense, aggressive, fast, and more about power and taking control. Fucking is an activity aimed only at satisfying animal needs; the goal is to cum. Fucking is a coldly tinny band performance.
You can play one note or perform a symphony. The symphony communicates depth, meaning, and emotion; the symphony is a conversation between the notes and the listener. The symphony of homoerotic tantric love enriches the sacred partnership. A one-note performance is a path to boredom. In the homoerotic tantric love celebration, each partner is a virtuoso musician bringing forth sheer magic from his instrument, his physical body, to awaken subtle energies, deep emotions, masculine spirituality, and ultimately ecstasy and bliss. As a homoerotic artist, I don’t know your instrument as well as I know my own, so I need communication, conversation, feedback from you.
Is eroticism and sensuality different in the relationship of the Tantric Lovers, as opposed to any other relationship, or uncommitted plunk? Here’s the short answer: It’s better. For the more complete response, I’d like again use the symphony analogy. It’s a whole orchestra when you’re in the homoerotic tantric relationship as Tantric Lovers; your music contains an infinity of different erotosensual notes and colourful tones and hues, some of them quite deep and dark, others luminous and airy. When celebrating the homoerotic tantric rituals you experience them all. When you are uncommitted to your partner, the interaction is not conversation, it’s more like a harsh and metallic unpracticed band performance.
Commitment is Contagious
The beauty and benefit of the homoerotic tantric relationship is that the homoerotic commitment is contagious. If there is an intention of mutual commitment in the relationship, whether the relationship is “for the benefits” for the duration of a single session or during a workshop, or in a long-term homoerotic tantric partnership, there should be a balance, a sense of harmony between the practitioners. When there is conversation and a clear intention, as there is in homoerotic tantric ritual, the two men allow themselves to open up and to act selflessly, to both celebrate the ritual as Giver/Receiver, ŚivaŚakti simultaneously and reciprocally. The commitment is contagious and leads to a greater emotional and spiritual connection between the partners. It is important for the man who wants that special connection to share the spotlight with his partner.
Internal disharmony: Bicurious and Gaycurious
Some men use the terms “bicurious” and “gay-curious” to “explain” their exploration of homoerotic connection with another man. Those terms are or should be offensive. I define both as “excuse curious,” a way to say “I want to have impersonal sex with a man for the selfish reason of satisfying my own needs — even if I cannot openly admit those needs and desires, and may even deny them — I want to satisfy them, and will make them acceptable by calling myself just ‘curious’.” “Bicurious” and “gay-curious” are synonyms for the inability to acknowledge one’s true orientation. Both terms identify a schizoid man, who doesn’t have the courage to get off the fence and stop living a lie; he’s living a double life. He’s not free; he’s suppressed and only half of a potential person. He’s on the path to paranoia; everyone is watching him and he can exist as himself only in the shadows, like a fugitive. But he’s a fugitive from himself, and there’s no place to hide from yourself.
Toxic cultural conditioning has caused some men to live the lie of “bicurious” or “just gay-curious,” depriving them of the freedom to be true to themselves, to be self-aware, and to forcing them to deny self-knowledge, that is, to make childish excuses for not being the men they are by nature intended to be.
In the honest and truly satisfying homoerotic tantric relationship, the attraction and for that matter, the entire relationship needs to be securely founded on the inherent and inner qualities of the partner, since those are the things that seem to outlast the physical. As an example, I’d cite the works of the French homoerotic writer, Jean Genêt, who wrote about men and their homoerotic relationships, and society’s response. All the men were extraordinary beauties. In his writing, Genêt portrays male beauty while acknowledging that we may suffer, and our bodies may be fragile, break down, and change. But the men remain true to their spirits. This is similar to what takes place in the sharing experience between men in a committed relationship, whether the mutuality is for a short window of engagement in the Eternal Now (as in a session or a workshop) or whether he and his Tantric Lover are committed for the long term. The mutual intention of commitment makes the relationship somehow more special to them, it becomes an intimate conversation in the Eternal Now, and it gives society permission to take a walk.
A Dāka Aside
In the homoerotic yogic Tantra (तन्त्र) celebration of love, I have selected a number of yuganaddhāsana-s (joining positions) for the maithuna (मैथुन, divine union). The illustrated yuganaddhāsana-s (union positions of the Tantric Lovers) can be downloaded, or viewed from the private Homoerotic Tantra℠ site. Request access at gay.daka.karuna@gmail.com.
Epilogue
We’ve all been there and done that. Some of us have taken the experience and decided that we needed more than a moment of corpse copulation. We homoerotic Tantrikas are seekers; seekers who are aware that we can awaken the divine masculine spirit in our Tantric Lover, transcend the ordinary and the conventional, wage war on cultural conditioning, and experience ecstasy in the arms of another Warrior. There is a huge difference between what most men experience in what they call love, it’s the difference between an orchestrated symphony and a tinny pirated recording played over worn out speakers. You, the tantric Warrior, have chosen the kṣatriyadharma (क्षत्रियधर्म) the Warrior’s Path, and the vīramārga (वीरमार्ग), the Hero’s Path; the physical, emotional, and spiritual experience of homoerotic lalitābhinaya (ललिताभिनय, graceful erotic performance) and the ānandatāṇḍava (आनन्दताण्डव, joyful dance of Lord Śiva) is yours to experience, share, and live. In the sādhanā‑s, the sādhanā exercises, the practices and the rituals of Homoerotic Tantra℠ and Mascul-IN-Touch℠ you participate in physical, emotional, and spiritual evolution. You are on the paths to transformation, ecstasy, bliss; you are to become the evolved man, an avatāra (अवतार, incarnation) of Lord Śiva.
Notes
[1] Throughout this article I avoid the phrase “making love” because the lovers do not “make” the love nor do they “do” the love; the love already exists and binds the two Tantric Lovers, providing the opportunity to celebrate that love in homoerotic tantric ritual, and so, I use the preferred phrase of “celebrate love.”
[2] Urban dictionary definition of plunk: a small deposit of dried semen within the urethra, just below the japs eye (meatus) causing temporary multi-directional urination; intercourse; the act of having casual meaningless sex; a very inexpensive, poor quality wine.
[3] Eddie Murphy Raw is a 1987 American stand-up comedy film starring Eddie Murphy and directed by Robert Townsend.
As men, whether straight or gay, we are subjected to different standards in our day-to-day lives but even more so in our erotic life. Men have to constantly be prepared for rejection at some level, men have to deal with anxiety associated with inadequacy. Men have to prove themselves. But to be honest, to be honest with ourselves, we’ve set ourselves up, and we do it almost self-defeatingly and Oh! so very well.
Please note: The complete article has been moved to the Homoerotic Tantra:Mascul-IN-Touch website. Please visit that site to access the complete updated article. If you experience any trouble accessing the new website, please email Gay Daka Karuna (William) and request access authorization.
Most of the men I have met or who contact me have no idea who they are. The have one personality on the street, one on the job, one with their families, and yet another one in bed. And you thought it was hard to juggle multiple men in your life? Most of you are juggling multiple men in your heads!
We men, especially we gay men, have to adopt a different mindset, we have to have a change of heart not only regarding the outside world around us but the inside world within ourselves. We have to have one mind: we are good enough! And we have to stop thinking that Mr. Perfect is going to be interested in us. Unless you are perfect, and no one, including myself, who I know comes even close to perfect, you’re gonna lose. And who likes a loser.
A guy recently contacted me because he saw my profile picture on Facebook. Like so many others, he assumed that the picture, although it is clearly enhanced, might be me. If he had taken the time to read my timeline before contacting me and didn’t become infatuated with a fiction, he would have done much better. But that’s the problem with many of the guys online: they’re looking for a fiction, a fantasy; they’ve lost contact with reality, with their human need for relationship, and are too ready for a quick fix with Mary and her four sisters. Online social media has become porn and masturbation has become the new relationship. Guys are so desperate they think that if they send a picture of their asses, cheeks spread wide, or of their dicks, or of a clip from a porn flick, that someone is going to be interested in them as a person. What’s worse, some of them don’t even want you to be interested in them as a person and just want the cheap thrill of a couple of minutes of cyber sex or porn chat. It’s really pathetic. How can you respect someone or even be interested in him if he’s got such low self-esteem?
When someone sends me a shot of their ass or their dick, I ask them outright: “Is that all you are?” When they don’t respond, I have their answer. I can only hope that my question might make them take a step back and re-examine themselves. Maybe they’ll see how depraved and perverse they’ve become.
Well, back to my topic: Erotic Intelligence. Erotic intelligence According to one psychotherapist is a personal development process, “all about having the capacity to trust yourself, to be in touch with your own body, your boundaries, your values – and how you feel your own energy.’ Well, that’s all well and good for you if you’re alone and intend to stay that way — as many out there do — but what about when you’re with someone new or someone already special? Even a 5-minute blowjob is a sort of relationship, so it the one-night stand, but what about those of us who really want relationship, even love? What is erotic intelligence in relationship with another man? There are a number of steps that we have to take, it’s all work, and most guys don’t want to work at a relationship and are doomed to become cyber-pervs or chronic masturbators. But then there are the elite sex Gods among us who work at doing it right, and liking it that way. I’m going to discuss some of the steps below:
What is your body trying to tell you when you look in the mirror?
Unblock your body. Figure out what your body is telling you. What is your body trying to tell you when you look in the mirror? Is the image you see positive or negative? Is it positive or negative in the physical, real sense or are you making it positive or negative in your mind? Is you ego doing the evaluation or are you, the real you doing it? This is an important step because the ego is the great comparer and is interested in its own survival, whether it’s real or fantasy. You need to make contact with your true self, not with your false self, your ego. Once you do that, you’re on the right track.
Tuning in is becoming aware and then conscious of yourself and your partner
Tune in not out. Today people are constantly tuning out, reaching outward for something and then for something more, always moving farther and farther from themselves, and the place where they really should want to be. Tuning in is becoming aware and then conscious of yourself and your partner. Tuning in is the practice of encouraging authentic, genuine communication between you and him. Tuning in requires us to drop the shields and to trust, allow vulnerability, and to surrender to our partner.
Touch is one of the most powerful tools in the erotic toolbox.
Role reversal. We have a lot of talk associated with what we do. We describe ourselves as a top or a bottom. We talk about types. I recently had a discussion where I said that a top can be a good top only if he’s bottomed. I think that’s very true. Erotic diversity is one of the keys to continuing attraction. We’ve all experienced the boredom of “knowing what’s coming.” He likes to suck cock but not the way you enjoy it. Reverse roles and do him like you want him to do you! He fucks you like a whore but you want to be his prince. Reverse roles and show him how you like it! Why does that sound so obvious but no one really thinks of doing it? Because we’re lazy and we don’t know how to enjoy something as important and beautiful as good sex. You don’t have to be a tantric master to get to know how to please your partner; all you ha
ve to do is care. The same applies to touch! Touch is one of the most powerful tools in the erotic toolbox. Just try touching your partner and ask him to make sounds as you touch him. He can say “Yes!” or just make sounds of pleasure, but he has to give you feedback. You’ll soon learn what turns him on and what doesn’t. Now reverse the roles. Once you do that, get out the massage oil and go to work!
In the moment. Being in the moment is essential to being present. Think about where you are when you’re having sex with him. Are you way ahead of yourself? Are you concentrating on making him cum or glazing him? Or are you right there in what you are doing? Most people I know are too busy living life from the neck up. Most are already five minutes in the future and totally absent to the present moment. When this happens in our erotic life, it’s like having sex with a toaster. Good sex means slowing down, being in the moment, being present to every sensation, connecting with your lover’s responses, being aware of each other. Make noise during sex. Most guys become deaf mutes, they tense up, they concentrate on rushing to the cum moment. Wrong, WRONG! Listen, make sounds, relax, fantasize and share your fantasy with your lover. Tell him a story while you’re doing him. Tell him what you want him to feel and how you’re going to make him feel it. Ask him what he feels or what he wants to feel. Communicate with him, be in the moment with him, be present to him. And most of all, slow down!
Slow down. Slow sex is not necessarily a lot of work; it can, in fact, be exhilarating, titillating, crazy, and downright good. You don’t have to do gymnastics or try painful positions for hours. It’s not a competition sport; in fact, it’s not competition at all! Sorry to disappoint you but good sex is sharing and communicating. It can be funny, it can be playful, it can be incredibly spiritual but it has to be slow. It has to start off slow and move gently to the climax, and then gradually and gently move into the cuddle phase. Never stop touching, tasting, savoring your lovers fragrance. Never stop exploring, kissing, telling him what you are feeling about him. Just slow down unblock your body, tune in, reverse roles now and then, be in the moment and present for each other, and slow down!
Part II: Erotic Intelligence in Practice
Set the mood. The mood is where and when you want to get it on with your lover. Playfulness is important but both of you have to have a healthy sense of adventure, must trust each other, and you must be able to be vulnerable to your lover and surrender to him. This applies to sex in the kitchen as well as sex in the tub or the shower, and to sex for hours between, better on top of the sheets. The mood starts in your relationship and moves to the situation. You both set the mood; the mood is not ambiance but includes ambiance. You need to allow ambiance to enhance the mood, and then go for the gold!
Aside: Think of a story. The plot feeds the emotions, the memory. Every time you make love you are creating a narrative, a story. Every story needs a plot. The plot feeds the imagination and stokes the memory. Think of it this way: If you eat fast food every day, you’ll satisfy an urge, you’ll feel fed. Will it be memorable? Unlikely. What ism ore likely is that you will soon forget what real food tastes like. Sex is like a beautifully prepared meal: it needs a theme, a plot. A beautiful meal brings smells, tastes, textures, presentation all into harmony. Then you create an ambiance, and accompany the meal with a good wine, and a special dessert. Believe me, you’ll remember that meal!
Foreplay. So you think foreplay starts when you feel the urge? Wrong! Foreplay stars with a phone call or a text telling your lover how you feel about him and what to expect when gets home. Better still, tell him there’s a surprise waiting for him when he gets home, and have a surprise for him. Leave it to your imagination. Take the responsibility to make it happen, and that will make space for fun and pleasure. It shows you appreciate him and you want to please him. If you think you have an appetite for something really tasty, you’ll have to do some shopping, the fridge doesn’t get full until you fill it. So start the foreplay way before the touching starts. Maybe a note or a letter on the door or sexting him, have something he likes delivered to him at work. Then start the intimate foreplay right after the first orgasm. (Try edging or delaying cumming for a while during your lovemaking. If you learn this technique your orgasms will be more intense and your ejaculation more powerful and fuller.)
Slow and gentle. Slow and gentle is key at the start. You may want to kick things up a notch once you’ve started but let your lovemaking take on its own pace; stop thinking about it, otherwise your going to turn it into a performance sport and it’ll become competitive; competitive performance is the last thing you want to bring into your erotic moments. You can be playful without being competitors. Lovemaking is supposed to be a win-win situation. Go slowly, gently, bring it up to speed; slow down again and bring it up again. This is a time just for you both so be in the moment, don’t rush thru it, and be present for each other. The dynamic fueling your lovemaking should be focused surrender, abandonment (as in letting go completely), not fast penetrative sex.
Stop stereotyping. Look, sex in the shower isn’t the only sex; neither is sex on your back. One partner doesn’t have to be the dominant partner and the other one passive. Orgasm or cumming isn’t the destination; once you have an orgasm doesn’t mean you’re finished and everyone’s happy. There’s more after the orgasm, like afterplay! We are always talking about foreplay, we have to practice afterplay. A good lover thinks out of the box; he is innovative and creative. A good lover customizes each encounter, making it new and surprising for his partner. Sterotyped sex is stagnant sex. Be innovative in your ambiance, create new scenarios, change the venue, get sloppy. Make your own rules. Be tantric!
Aside: After cumming don’t rush to clean up. Don’t destroy the moment you both have worked hard to create; keep touching, kissing, experiencing your lover. Tell him you love him, you adore him, that he is your life, your breath, your love. Whisper into his ear. Cuddle, nuzzle into his neck. Kiss his neck and behind his ears. Nuzzle your nose into his hair. You’ll probably start all over again. Why not?
Keep porn out of the bedroom. Pornography comes from the Greek words porne (prostitute) and graphein (to depict) and literally means depicting prostitutes, and a brothel in Greek was porneon. Pornography is what we can call outcome-driven; there is no foreplay as I’ve described it, no seduction; pornography prepares you for masturbation, not for intimacy, sex with your lover. Your lover must be your main stimulus, the main attraction, the star of the show. You must watch his body, follow his breathing, listen for his sounds, be guided by his reactions; you must focus on him and nothing else. Keep porn and the smartphone out of the bedroom.
The jug fills drop by drop until it overflows. Bring your imagination into your relationship. It’s the little things that will add spice to the relationship and will flavor the bedroom action. Look at your lover love his perfect imperfections, his curves, his special uniqueness. There are no flaws, there’s just those perfect imperfections that make him different from every other man who ever lived. Hold him and touch him. Appreciate the space he occupies physically and in your heart. He has a fragrance, a taste, a texture, a multitude of ingredients that make him unique and special. Discover them and savor them. Send him a card or a love note; sext him. The problem in most relationships tend to fizzle not because the partners don’t know what to do to keep it going, they just stop doing it. Just look around yourself and you’ll see one of the biggest relationship killers around: our electronic toys. When you’re holding your phone you’re not holding or touching your lover. When you’re looking into your phone you’re not looking at your lover. When you are together, that is, at meals, sitting together, in the bedroom, leave that damn relationship-killer out of the room! Turn it off!
Attraction fades only if you let it. Many of us have spent tens, even hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless hours, years on education, educating ourselves, learning stuff. Most of what we learned never gets used. When we buy a car, insurance, a refrigerator, a smartphone we do research to learn more about it to get the best out of it. We naturally want the best out of our investment. Right? So why do we stop researching how to get the most out of our relationships, our lovemaking? Why is it most people don’t look at anything that will make them a better lover? Read about relationship, great sex. Talk about what makes your lover feel loved. Check in with your partner; make sure you’re both on the same page, that any problems are not festering, that he feels wanted, loved, needed, trusted. You have to feed into the mentality of being present, interested, accessible. If you feel the spark fading, write your partner a letter. Better still, do something imaginative, playful, to show him that the flame of Eros is burning hot and bright.
Postscript
Relationships are not about control. They are about change. I don’t mean that when you get into a serious relationship the goal is to change your partner into someone or something else; that would be wrong and could have serious negative consequences. I’m talking about the inevitable change that occurs after any interaction. That change in its positive form is growth. A good working definition of love is this: the mutual self-forgetting and sacrifice for the nurturing of growth in your partner. Love can’t be one-sided; that’s infatuation and it doesn’t have a positive outcome. In fact, the very word infatuation comes from the Latin infatuare meaning “to make a fool of,” and means to inspire a foolish romantic passion in someone. Love is mutual forgetting of one’s self and the willingness to sacrifice for your lover. It doesn’t mean correcting his perceived imperfections but appreciating them as essential ingredients that make him who he is. It doesn’t mean changing him or fixing him; no one has the right to do that to another person. If you are right for each other, things will change over time, you both will change, and the imperfections will become sparkles in a beautiful gem, your love, not hairs in your lobster bisque.
We talk a lot about control, especially in relationships. War is about control, relationship is about sharing. Once the urge to control comes into a relationship, the dynamics change and the relationship becomes a war zone. In our culture, men are forced into situations of control but they aren’t taught or prepared how to control control, that is, they are not taught boundaries. Control kills freedom. Freedom is vital to healthy relationship; each partner must have the freedom to be himself, to communicate, to relate, to be playful, to be vulnerable, to surrender, to trust you. Changing the dynamic of the relationship from freedom to control inevitably kills the relationship.
So, in a nutshell, erotic intelligence is a personal development process in relationship with another man and involves having the capacity to trust yourself, to be in touch with your own body, your boundaries, your values – and how you feel your own energy. By extension to your partner it becomes the mutual capacity to trust each other, to be in touch with his body and he with yours, to know boundaries and not to attempt to control, to be aware of his values and to communicate to him your values. Erotic intelligence is feeling your energy and learning to feel your partner’s energies, and to respond physically, emotionally, mentally in a way to nurture and to enhance mutual growth in your shared life.
Older Men are Simply HOT! When I see a salt-and-pepper handsome face, healthy, a little arrogant, well-groomed and cared for, has a bit of spunk in his stride, looks like he takes pride in his mind and body, his spirit sends that message. He’s HOT!
Somehow an older partner’s touch is sheer ecstasy. He knows what to do and how to do it!
I often find it a bit incomprehensible that some guys are interested in twinks or 20-somethings, and seem to be so uninterested in older guys. It just seems so much more natural and sensible for someone to be attracted to a handsome, fit, daddy than to an immature, confused twit.
I’ve already written a piece on agism and playing the stupid numbers game and how shallow and useless it is. All that having been said, it’s sometimes just necessary to point things out to some people. So here goes…
First of all, it’s all about relationship and relationship is all about three things: you, your partner and what keeps you together. It’s not about what other people think or what your fake friends tell you you need to do. If you travel with a fool you travel alone. That goes for life and friends as well. Those guys who are giving you advise probably don’t know their asses from their elbows but think they can give you relationship advice. Forget about it!
Get some balls and get into a really unique and rewarding relationship that will last longer than a couple of drunken nights.
There are many benefits to a relationship between a younger man and an older man. Here are just a few:
Appreciation. An older guy probably wouldn’t feel stupid saying “Good morning, handsome!” to you every day. He’d probably not feel odd just helping you on with your jacket. He’d probably enjoy tucking you in, scruffing your hair, and turning you on when he book-ends you.
Gourmet guys. They just taste and smell really good. Like a gourmet guy. The presentation is really pleasing to the eye and gets the juices flowing. Like a beautiful meal they please the eye and the palate.
No stupid melodrama. Younger guys are usually a bit consumed by the selfish concern of where they are in their life, and how that journey is playing out by comparing with some pretty unreliable standards: their peers. Your club crowd is likely just as lost as the next guy so get a real grip on life. When you have that panic attack or throw that hissy fit or mantrum, you’ll need someone who can show you the bigger picture and give you some balance and support. He’s solid, has a little more life experience and rationality. He can bring you back down to earth. You can depend on his experience, live and wisdom. You can trust his life experience and you can be vulnerable with him; he’s there to love and to protect you.
Better Solutions, Less Blank Stares. An older partner likely has the courage to admit that he has chosen life paths that didn’t all work out, and that starting again isn’t the end of the world. Being with a man who can talk about how he felt in a situation and how he handled himself and the situation is a really great experience; its impressive, consoling, helpful. It’s certainly better than the blank stares and histrionics you’d get from inexperienced and immature “counselors.” You won’t feel alone with your problems.
Quality Sharing. Sharing is a key element to any durable relationship. You can share your household chores, your errands. You can share each other’s selections at a restaurant. It’s always great to have someone say, “I’m stopping at the market on my way home. Can you think of anything we need?” When we are young we are pretty self-centered and selfish; sharing is a skill and it’s learned as we grow older and mature. Sharing the workload or sharing responsibilities in a compromise doesn’t raise issues, it makes them more livable.
Being Grateful and Showing Gratitude. We have to care about the one’s we’re with. We have to take care of them. We have to be present for them. When we are selfish we notice only ourselves and what we need, just what a young child does. Some guys just never grow up. Some guys just want the glamour and never realize that the one they are pursuing is just not the right person. An older man usually will be able to know whether the fit is right or not. You can usually trust his response and his judgment. He’s more likely to know when the fit is good or even near perfect, and he will prove it every day.
Challenges? Of course there are. You’ll have to grow up. You’ll have to be real. You’ll have to be responsible. The real challenge is whether you will have the courage to love and be loved, and to live your life with your man despite what others think. The challenge is not to hand over control of your relationship to others. Sure, you’ll face criticism from friends and family but it’s your happiness that’s at stake and your relationship success. Think about it and ask yourself: “Do they see what I can see?” “Do they know what I know?” “Would they rather I have relationships that hurt me and make my cynical, unhappy?”
If you are comfortable enough in your own sense of moral and ethical values you can judge for yourself. Society’s pressures and prejudices are not really the values you need to apply to something as important as a life relationship. As long as you are not being used or taking the role of someone’s “mistress” you should consider going for it!
There are some great public relationships between younger and older men, and some celebrities have done us a great service in going public with their unique relationships. Here’s an example: 9 Famous Gay Men With Younger Boyfriends.
Here are a couple of links to articles about younger men in relationships with older men:
So by now you might be asking if there are any limits. Should my man be 15, 20, 30 years older than me. What’s the best range. The answer is that there is none. I don’t think that anyone immature, whether he’s 25 or 85, should go into any relationship lightly. I don’t think that a mature man should be diddling with young boys or older immature boys. That’s a recipe for disaster! But I do think that it’s a matter of individual choice and taste. You have to take any relationship choice very seriously because the consequences can be very serious.
I’m available! Write me at gay.karuna.guy@gmail.com
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
About Me
Height:
5’”9”(
Weight:
180 lbs
Chest:
42”
Waist:
32”
Hips:
40”
Hair:
Salt & Pepper
Eyes:
Two (2), Green (one of the rarest eye colors)
Equipment:
Grower, cut, 8”, thickish, handsome & hung
Body Hair:
Smooth, hair on legs, manscaped pubes
General appearance:
Masculine, athletic, clean, v. attractive
Demeanor:
Masculine, attractive, intelligent
Voice:
Male, well-spoken, soft
Birthday:
October 27, Year of the Tiger
Tattoos:
Yes. My animal totems (Tiger and Butterfly) on each shoulder. An OM just beneath my navel.
Piercings:
Yes. A navel piercing (stud); left ear piercing (loop).
About You
Above all, you should have self-esteem; you should be self-aware, and you should know yourself and how to be authentic and honest. You should be able to trust another man, be vulnerable, and able to surrender. Good hygiene, grooming, and fitness are a plus
Body type:
See the body type chart, above.
Personality:
Similar to mine but not the same. You should enjoy being masculine but also acknowledge your feminine principle; you must be open, honest, sincere, loyal, sensitive, curious, flexible, and a lover of life, living, creation. You can accept failure or rejection and get on with your life. You do not need control over others and avoid others’ control of you; you cherish and protect personal liberty and freedom. You are a lifetime learner in all aspects of your physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual being. You believe in Transcendence, in a something that is larger and greater than yourself.
Spirituality:
You are a god and acknowledge your partner as a god. You worship the masculine divine in your partner. You are a seeker of Truth and Meaning. You are not adverse to homoerotic practices and ritual love-making. Spirituality is a lifestyle and you work towards that end. You are wiling to learn yogic principles and ethics, meditation, and a path to divine union with your lover.
Physicality:
You are versatile and flexible. You take care of your body. You are clean and hygienic. You enjoy your body and your partner’s body. You are capable of surrendering yourself to your lover. You enjoy touching and being touched. Physical sharing and mutuality are important.
Mental:
You are comfortable with who you are. You have suffered, you bear the wounds, but you have moved on with your life. You are open-minded, curious, and adventurous. You enjoy learning. You may not talk a lot but when you speak, you impress with your voice and your thoughts. You realize that you have two ears and two eyes but only one mouth for a reason.
Emotional:
You are capable of trust, love, and sharing. You can liberate yourself from stereotype and conditioning. You are capable of surrendering but not abandoning yourself to your lover. You place true friendship above all else. You are comfortable with your emotions and do not hide them — but you do not wear them on your sleeve or use them as tools for manipulation or getting attention.
Social:
You can enjoy being on your own. You enjoy just being with your lover. You enjoy socializing with people who are in control of themselves and their lives, who are intelligent, and who can teach you new things. You are fair, generous and compassionate with all other beings. You avoid stereotyping and unfounded judgment (= prejudice). In this respect, we are both seekers.
Recreation:
You enjoy good food and good company. You enjoy the outdoors. You enjoy a cuddle and a wrestle. You enjoy a good book, a good song, a sensuous dance. Hiking, kayaking, canoeing, backpacking, biking, a good gym workout are all on your agenda. Sometimes you will just want to be left to yourself to enjoy quiet self-care. I can and will respect those moments.
Your stage in life:
Age is a number, an obstacle for many, but of no importance to a Tantrika. External beauty fades, short-lived youth corrupts, but inner beauty is timeless and a youthful heart beats forever. You have a birthday but you are always in the Eternal Now, in the moment. You may not be wealthy but you are rich. Possessions are baggage; you appreciate simplicity in life. Regardless of where you are in this life you avoid shallowness and seek depth. You are a seeker.
Your future and plans:
You recognize that the future is entirely uncertain so you cultivate the Now. In the Now you prepare yourself and maintain yourself. You are grateful for each moment and greet the new moment, the new day with gratitude and humility. Whatever the future may bring, you can accept it and find meaning in it. In the Now, you will do nothing to negatively affect the future. You believe in karmic consequences and behave accordingly. If you want, I’ll be there to help.
“I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
More About Me
A Very Short Biography
I was born in Albany, New York, USA, on October 27, in a year of the Tiger. I am a true Scorpio and my animal totems are the Tiger and the Butterfly. I attended a parochial / private school until middle school. My education includes degrees in philology, psychology, medical science, and divinity.
I served in the United States Army for 4 years and received the National Defense Service Medal, the Good Conduct Medal, and the Army Commendation Medal (non-combat equivalent of the Bronze Star). I spent my entire military service in Central Europe on General Staff.
I have traveled and lived in Europe and the UK, and I speak, read and write several languages (English, German, French, Italian, Spanish). I have a working knowledge of several others (Greek, Hebrew, Russian, Arabic).
My working life has spanned at least three career paths; I enjoyed each for a time but when I felt I had achieved what I needed, I had the opportunity and the courage to move on. I am a far better person for having made those choices. I presently lead a simplified life and have a great many interests and activities. I practice a special spirituality and share my gifts generously.
My spiritual name is Karuna, which means compassion, and I prefer to live that way. I have been called a warrior for my defense of others and truth; my tiger spirit is not something to be toyed with. My Scorpio emotions and physicality are very highly developed in both their positive and not-so-positive (if you’re on the wrong receiving end) qualities. I do not tolerate dishonesty, disloyalty, ignorance, self-centeredness, and I do not suffer fools. You can expect and will receive my fullest support if your need is genuine and you are willing to accept help to help yourself, however.
I practice and teach the yogic principles embodied in the yama-s and the niyamas-s , and the aṣṭāṅga philosophy. I practice and teach the disciplines of homoerotic yogic Tantra, and have created the Mascul-IN-Touch℠ program for gay men.
I welcome any questions and will be happy to respond if you contact me at gay.karuna.guy@gmail.com.
Please do not ask me for nude pictures or pictures of my parts. I do not provide such pictures. I reserve my body for my lovers and my followers. My body is a temple where I receive worship and my lovers’ gifts; my body is my sacred tool that I use to worship the divine masculine spirit in my lovers. My body is an altar for homoerotic ritual. Consider yourself and your body sacred and an object of your lover’s worship and we will understand each other wonderfully well!
My dominant chakra is Svādhiṣṭhāna, my color is vermillion, and my mantra is VAM.
Your Guide Daka Karuna: An Introduction 