There is a reasoning behind the choice of a 108-day cycle.
Since time immemorial 9 x 12 or 108 has been studied, analyzed, interpreted, applied. Think about these facts from the Surya Siddhanta (4-5th c b.c.e.), an ancient Indian astronomical work: The distances between the Sun and the Earth, the distances between the Moon and the Earth, the way the planet rotates and its effect on us all – all these things have been studied carefully. The ancient astronomers found that diameter of the Sun multiplied by 108 equals the distance between Sun and Earth, and the diameter of the Moon multiplied by 108 equals the distance between Earth and Moon. The diameter of the Sun is 108 times the diameter of the Earth. This is one of the reasons we have 108 beads in a mālā (माला). The brilliant mathematicians of the Vedic age considered the number 108 to represent the oneness and wholeness of existence, and as noted above, provides an extraordinary connection among the sun, the moon, and the earth (cf. masculine principle, feminine principle, and material principle). Those figures are remarkably accurate and coïncide with modern instrumental measurements and scientific calculations. The number 108 also has significant ritual meaning. There are said to be 108 sacred sites in India. There are 108 Upanisads. Hindu deities have 108 names. There are 108 marma (मर्म) points or sacred ‘vital points’ on the human body. In homoerotic yogic tantra, the number 108 represents spiritual completion. The japamālā (जपमाला) used to count māntra (मन्त्र) repetitions has 108 beads (plus one “guru bead”); prāṇāyāma (प्राणायाम) is frequently completed in 108 cycles; the Surya Namaskar (सूर्यनमस्कार) (“sun salutations”) is frequently done in 9 sequences of 12 āsanas, totalling 108. The ancient yogis, based on the observations of the cosmic movements and astronomical calculations, believed that performing our exercises and practices in abhyāśa (अभ्याश) in sets of 108, we would be able to align the microcosm (ourselves) with the macrocosm (the cosmos), in the rhythm of creation, and thus vanquish saṃsāra (संसार) or wandering from birth to birth. The Vedic scholars were not alone in their fascination with the number 108. The Sarsen Circle at Stonehenge is 108 feet in diameter; the temple at Lamanai, an ancient Mayan temple in Belize, is 108 feet tall; the mortuary temple at Tikal, Guatemala, and in the temple of Kukulkan at Chitzen Itza, the dimension of 108 figures significantly in the architecture. Particularly in Mesoamerica, these temples and ritual structures were designed and constructed to house the souls of great men but were also ritually designed to connect human beings not only with the sun and celestial bodies, but also to the Divine Creator. Do you note the connections? In yogic disciplines we often toss the saying “As above, so below” around. The saying comes from alchemy. But that’s not the only connection between the celestial 108 and our bodies: there are 108 nadis converging to form anāhata(अनाहत), 108 marma-s (मर्म), pressure or vital points, sacred foci on the human body. In Jainism, a child of Sanatanadharma, there are 108 virtues. Some forms of Tai Chi have 108 movements. In Buddhism temples there are 108 steps representing the 108 steps to enlightenment. In Tibetan Buddhism there are 108 delusions. In Japanese Zen Buddhism, a temple bell is intoned 108 times at the end of the year, ritually closing a cycle reminding the believer of the 108 temptations that must be overcome to achieve nirvana. Need I go on? Reflecting on these facts, we have to wonder whether we will ever be able to fully fathom the mystical meaning of 108. Perhaps, but like all else and, as the Greek mathematician Archimedes taught: “Mathematics [understood to be the hidden order of the cosmos] will reveal its secrets…only to those who approach it with love.” It seems only reasonable that I chose 108 days as the meditation/reflection cycle for these Homoerotic Tantra℠:Mascul-IN-Touch℠ daily spiritual practices. Thank you for joining me!
As men, whether straight or gay, we are subjected to different standards in our day-to-day lives but even more so in our erotic life. Men have to constantly be prepared for rejection at some level, men have to deal with anxiety associated with inadequacy. Men have to prove themselves. But to be honest, to be honest with ourselves, we’ve set ourselves up, and we do it almost self-defeatingly and Oh! so very well.
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Most of the men I have met or who contact me have no idea who they are. The have one personality on the street, one on the job, one with their families, and yet another one in bed. And you thought it was hard to juggle multiple men in your life? Most of you are juggling multiple men in your heads!
We men, especially we gay men, have to adopt a different mindset, we have to have a change of heart not only regarding the outside world around us but the inside world within ourselves. We have to have one mind: we are good enough! And we have to stop thinking that Mr. Perfect is going to be interested in us. Unless you are perfect, and no one, including myself, who I know comes even close to perfect, you’re gonna lose. And who likes a loser.
A guy recently contacted me because he saw my profile picture on Facebook. Like so many others, he assumed that the picture, although it is clearly enhanced, might be me. If he had taken the time to read my timeline before contacting me and didn’t become infatuated with a fiction, he would have done much better. But that’s the problem with many of the guys online: they’re looking for a fiction, a fantasy; they’ve lost contact with reality, with their human need for relationship, and are too ready for a quick fix with Mary and her four sisters. Online social media has become porn and masturbation has become the new relationship. Guys are so desperate they think that if they send a picture of their asses, cheeks spread wide, or of their dicks, or of a clip from a porn flick, that someone is going to be interested in them as a person. What’s worse, some of them don’t even want you to be interested in them as a person and just want the cheap thrill of a couple of minutes of cyber sex or porn chat. It’s really pathetic. How can you respect someone or even be interested in him if he’s got such low self-esteem?
When someone sends me a shot of their ass or their dick, I ask them outright: “Is that all you are?” When they don’t respond, I have their answer. I can only hope that my question might make them take a step back and re-examine themselves. Maybe they’ll see how depraved and perverse they’ve become.
Well, back to my topic: Erotic Intelligence. Erotic intelligence According to one psychotherapist is a personal development process, “all about having the capacity to trust yourself, to be in touch with your own body, your boundaries, your values – and how you feel your own energy.’ Well, that’s all well and good for you if you’re alone and intend to stay that way — as many out there do — but what about when you’re with someone new or someone already special? Even a 5-minute blowjob is a sort of relationship, so it the one-night stand, but what about those of us who really want relationship, even love? What is erotic intelligence in relationship with another man? There are a number of steps that we have to take, it’s all work, and most guys don’t want to work at a relationship and are doomed to become cyber-pervs or chronic masturbators. But then there are the elite sex Gods among us who work at doing it right, and liking it that way. I’m going to discuss some of the steps below:
What is your body trying to tell you when you look in the mirror?
Unblock your body. Figure out what your body is telling you. What is your body trying to tell you when you look in the mirror? Is the image you see positive or negative? Is it positive or negative in the physical, real sense or are you making it positive or negative in your mind? Is you ego doing the evaluation or are you, the real you doing it? This is an important step because the ego is the great comparer and is interested in its own survival, whether it’s real or fantasy. You need to make contact with your true self, not with your false self, your ego. Once you do that, you’re on the right track.
Tuning in is becoming aware and then conscious of yourself and your partner
Tune in not out. Today people are constantly tuning out, reaching outward for something and then for something more, always moving farther and farther from themselves, and the place where they really should want to be. Tuning in is becoming aware and then conscious of yourself and your partner. Tuning in is the practice of encouraging authentic, genuine communication between you and him. Tuning in requires us to drop the shields and to trust, allow vulnerability, and to surrender to our partner.
Touch is one of the most powerful tools in the erotic toolbox.
Role reversal. We have a lot of talk associated with what we do. We describe ourselves as a top or a bottom. We talk about types. I recently had a discussion where I said that a top can be a good top only if he’s bottomed. I think that’s very true. Erotic diversity is one of the keys to continuing attraction. We’ve all experienced the boredom of “knowing what’s coming.” He likes to suck cock but not the way you enjoy it. Reverse roles and do him like you want him to do you! He fucks you like a whore but you want to be his prince. Reverse roles and show him how you like it! Why does that sound so obvious but no one really thinks of doing it? Because we’re lazy and we don’t know how to enjoy something as important and beautiful as good sex. You don’t have to be a tantric master to get to know how to please your partner; all you ha
ve to do is care. The same applies to touch! Touch is one of the most powerful tools in the erotic toolbox. Just try touching your partner and ask him to make sounds as you touch him. He can say “Yes!” or just make sounds of pleasure, but he has to give you feedback. You’ll soon learn what turns him on and what doesn’t. Now reverse the roles. Once you do that, get out the massage oil and go to work!
In the moment. Being in the moment is essential to being present. Think about where you are when you’re having sex with him. Are you way ahead of yourself? Are you concentrating on making him cum or glazing him? Or are you right there in what you are doing? Most people I know are too busy living life from the neck up. Most are already five minutes in the future and totally absent to the present moment. When this happens in our erotic life, it’s like having sex with a toaster. Good sex means slowing down, being in the moment, being present to every sensation, connecting with your lover’s responses, being aware of each other. Make noise during sex. Most guys become deaf mutes, they tense up, they concentrate on rushing to the cum moment. Wrong, WRONG! Listen, make sounds, relax, fantasize and share your fantasy with your lover. Tell him a story while you’re doing him. Tell him what you want him to feel and how you’re going to make him feel it. Ask him what he feels or what he wants to feel. Communicate with him, be in the moment with him, be present to him. And most of all, slow down!
Slow down. Slow sex is not necessarily a lot of work; it can, in fact, be exhilarating, titillating, crazy, and downright good. You don’t have to do gymnastics or try painful positions for hours. It’s not a competition sport; in fact, it’s not competition at all! Sorry to disappoint you but good sex is sharing and communicating. It can be funny, it can be playful, it can be incredibly spiritual but it has to be slow. It has to start off slow and move gently to the climax, and then gradually and gently move into the cuddle phase. Never stop touching, tasting, savoring your lovers fragrance. Never stop exploring, kissing, telling him what you are feeling about him. Just slow down unblock your body, tune in, reverse roles now and then, be in the moment and present for each other, and slow down!
Part II: Erotic Intelligence in Practice
Set the mood. The mood is where and when you want to get it on with your lover. Playfulness is important but both of you have to have a healthy sense of adventure, must trust each other, and you must be able to be vulnerable to your lover and surrender to him. This applies to sex in the kitchen as well as sex in the tub or the shower, and to sex for hours between, better on top of the sheets. The mood starts in your relationship and moves to the situation. You both set the mood; the mood is not ambiance but includes ambiance. You need to allow ambiance to enhance the mood, and then go for the gold!
Aside: Think of a story. The plot feeds the emotions, the memory. Every time you make love you are creating a narrative, a story. Every story needs a plot. The plot feeds the imagination and stokes the memory. Think of it this way: If you eat fast food every day, you’ll satisfy an urge, you’ll feel fed. Will it be memorable? Unlikely. What ism ore likely is that you will soon forget what real food tastes like. Sex is like a beautifully prepared meal: it needs a theme, a plot. A beautiful meal brings smells, tastes, textures, presentation all into harmony. Then you create an ambiance, and accompany the meal with a good wine, and a special dessert. Believe me, you’ll remember that meal!
Foreplay. So you think foreplay starts when you feel the urge? Wrong! Foreplay stars with a phone call or a text telling your lover how you feel about him and what to expect when gets home. Better still, tell him there’s a surprise waiting for him when he gets home, and have a surprise for him. Leave it to your imagination. Take the responsibility to make it happen, and that will make space for fun and pleasure. It shows you appreciate him and you want to please him. If you think you have an appetite for something really tasty, you’ll have to do some shopping, the fridge doesn’t get full until you fill it. So start the foreplay way before the touching starts. Maybe a note or a letter on the door or sexting him, have something he likes delivered to him at work. Then start the intimate foreplay right after the first orgasm. (Try edging or delaying cumming for a while during your lovemaking. If you learn this technique your orgasms will be more intense and your ejaculation more powerful and fuller.)
Slow and gentle. Slow and gentle is key at the start. You may want to kick things up a notch once you’ve started but let your lovemaking take on its own pace; stop thinking about it, otherwise your going to turn it into a performance sport and it’ll become competitive; competitive performance is the last thing you want to bring into your erotic moments. You can be playful without being competitors. Lovemaking is supposed to be a win-win situation. Go slowly, gently, bring it up to speed; slow down again and bring it up again. This is a time just for you both so be in the moment, don’t rush thru it, and be present for each other. The dynamic fueling your lovemaking should be focused surrender, abandonment (as in letting go completely), not fast penetrative sex.
Stop stereotyping. Look, sex in the shower isn’t the only sex; neither is sex on your back. One partner doesn’t have to be the dominant partner and the other one passive. Orgasm or cumming isn’t the destination; once you have an orgasm doesn’t mean you’re finished and everyone’s happy. There’s more after the orgasm, like afterplay! We are always talking about foreplay, we have to practice afterplay. A good lover thinks out of the box; he is innovative and creative. A good lover customizes each encounter, making it new and surprising for his partner. Sterotyped sex is stagnant sex. Be innovative in your ambiance, create new scenarios, change the venue, get sloppy. Make your own rules. Be tantric!
Aside: After cumming don’t rush to clean up. Don’t destroy the moment you both have worked hard to create; keep touching, kissing, experiencing your lover. Tell him you love him, you adore him, that he is your life, your breath, your love. Whisper into his ear. Cuddle, nuzzle into his neck. Kiss his neck and behind his ears. Nuzzle your nose into his hair. You’ll probably start all over again. Why not?
Keep porn out of the bedroom. Pornography comes from the Greek words porne (prostitute) and graphein (to depict) and literally means depicting prostitutes, and a brothel in Greek was porneon. Pornography is what we can call outcome-driven; there is no foreplay as I’ve described it, no seduction; pornography prepares you for masturbation, not for intimacy, sex with your lover. Your lover must be your main stimulus, the main attraction, the star of the show. You must watch his body, follow his breathing, listen for his sounds, be guided by his reactions; you must focus on him and nothing else. Keep porn and the smartphone out of the bedroom.
The jug fills drop by drop until it overflows. Bring your imagination into your relationship. It’s the little things that will add spice to the relationship and will flavor the bedroom action. Look at your lover love his perfect imperfections, his curves, his special uniqueness. There are no flaws, there’s just those perfect imperfections that make him different from every other man who ever lived. Hold him and touch him. Appreciate the space he occupies physically and in your heart. He has a fragrance, a taste, a texture, a multitude of ingredients that make him unique and special. Discover them and savor them. Send him a card or a love note; sext him. The problem in most relationships tend to fizzle not because the partners don’t know what to do to keep it going, they just stop doing it. Just look around yourself and you’ll see one of the biggest relationship killers around: our electronic toys. When you’re holding your phone you’re not holding or touching your lover. When you’re looking into your phone you’re not looking at your lover. When you are together, that is, at meals, sitting together, in the bedroom, leave that damn relationship-killer out of the room! Turn it off!
Attraction fades only if you let it. Many of us have spent tens, even hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless hours, years on education, educating ourselves, learning stuff. Most of what we learned never gets used. When we buy a car, insurance, a refrigerator, a smartphone we do research to learn more about it to get the best out of it. We naturally want the best out of our investment. Right? So why do we stop researching how to get the most out of our relationships, our lovemaking? Why is it most people don’t look at anything that will make them a better lover? Read about relationship, great sex. Talk about what makes your lover feel loved. Check in with your partner; make sure you’re both on the same page, that any problems are not festering, that he feels wanted, loved, needed, trusted. You have to feed into the mentality of being present, interested, accessible. If you feel the spark fading, write your partner a letter. Better still, do something imaginative, playful, to show him that the flame of Eros is burning hot and bright.
Postscript
Relationships are not about control. They are about change. I don’t mean that when you get into a serious relationship the goal is to change your partner into someone or something else; that would be wrong and could have serious negative consequences. I’m talking about the inevitable change that occurs after any interaction. That change in its positive form is growth. A good working definition of love is this: the mutual self-forgetting and sacrifice for the nurturing of growth in your partner. Love can’t be one-sided; that’s infatuation and it doesn’t have a positive outcome. In fact, the very word infatuation comes from the Latin infatuare meaning “to make a fool of,” and means to inspire a foolish romantic passion in someone. Love is mutual forgetting of one’s self and the willingness to sacrifice for your lover. It doesn’t mean correcting his perceived imperfections but appreciating them as essential ingredients that make him who he is. It doesn’t mean changing him or fixing him; no one has the right to do that to another person. If you are right for each other, things will change over time, you both will change, and the imperfections will become sparkles in a beautiful gem, your love, not hairs in your lobster bisque.
We talk a lot about control, especially in relationships. War is about control, relationship is about sharing. Once the urge to control comes into a relationship, the dynamics change and the relationship becomes a war zone. In our culture, men are forced into situations of control but they aren’t taught or prepared how to control control, that is, they are not taught boundaries. Control kills freedom. Freedom is vital to healthy relationship; each partner must have the freedom to be himself, to communicate, to relate, to be playful, to be vulnerable, to surrender, to trust you. Changing the dynamic of the relationship from freedom to control inevitably kills the relationship.
So, in a nutshell, erotic intelligence is a personal development process in relationship with another man and involves having the capacity to trust yourself, to be in touch with your own body, your boundaries, your values – and how you feel your own energy. By extension to your partner it becomes the mutual capacity to trust each other, to be in touch with his body and he with yours, to know boundaries and not to attempt to control, to be aware of his values and to communicate to him your values. Erotic intelligence is feeling your energy and learning to feel your partner’s energies, and to respond physically, emotionally, mentally in a way to nurture and to enhance mutual growth in your shared life.
Your Guide Daka Karuna: An Introduction 